Bigly Yuge: In Alaska, armed bears take charge to protect counting process from Russians, Democrats

Alaskan bear. Picture courtesy Carl Chapman/Wikimedia Commons

Alaska passes proper to arm bears.

Alaska prolonged second modification rights to an endangered minority of its inhabitants. The transfer got here after the state was roundly criticised for its gradual vote depend within the 2020 presidential elections.

Bears, often targets in Alaska, will now be engaged in energetic election responsibility as a way to defend the method in opposition to sabotage by Democrats and Russians. They are going to be given weapons.

The state’s poll packing containers are unfold thinly over its icy expanse. They’re transported by way of sledge to counting stations often situated in cities with a inhabitants over 27.

Solely 56 % of Alaska’s votes have been counted up to now. As a result of the method has been jeopardised by Russia this election, stories say. Aided by Democrat collaborators, the Russians have sprinkled juicy treats on key routes, distracting the hungry Huskies who drag the sledges.

Much more alarming is the sudden rise within the inhabitants of stray overdressed, overgroomed “canines of simple advantage” alongside the best way, suspected to have been shipped clandestinely throughout the Bering Straits.

This inflow slows the deliveries down much more successfully. “You actually can’t blame our Huskies—it’s chilly and lonely on the market…” stated a state official, as he stared wistfully at a sheep.

The newly drafted bears have been given the facility to hug, maul, or kill suspected saboteurs relying on how they’re feeling on the time. They’re anticipated to escort the sledges safely to the capital Juneau by summer season.

It is a work of satire.

The author is a journalist and creator of Aarushi, an account of the homicide investigation and ensuing trial.